St.Maries

I packed all my bags and next thing I knew, I was on a plane flying to St. Maries, Idaho.. to a clinic I am unfamiliar with and no family members by my side.. this time, I was going to try and face this one on my own. I arrived at the airport and I saw a man and a women, holding up a sign with my name on it. I slowly walked up and smiled and told them "Here I am" they both smiled at me gently and we began with small conversation.. them asking how I flew and how I was doing so far, they kindness and friendliness made me feel somehow as if I've known them for years. We got my luggage, headed to the car and then we were on our way to the clinic from there. The clinic was a two hour drive from the airport, at the very top of a mountain, extremely secluded.. no cellphone service, extremely limited Wifi, no cable or actual TV channels, just small cabins all around each other. I instantly realized that this clinic was like no other I've been to before.. its not just your typical clinic, this is a medical rehab. 

They kindly showed me to my room and said, you can sleep in tomorrow but they day after, the program will begin. The next day, I did many different types of blood work and tests and diagnoses trying to help me prepare for the program that they were about to begin on me. They admitted to me that it is a very difficult program and it takes a lot out of a healthy person, let alone someone who is chronically ill. To be honest, I thought to myself.. what could possibly be so difficult, I feel like I've been a continuous lab rat at this point and felt like I could almost face anything... little did I know. 

They explained to me that the program begins at 5:00 am and finishes about 8:30 to 9:00 pm, that I will be woken up every morning and I will only be able to eat raw food (fruits, nuts, and vegetables), three times a day, for the next 30+ days, in between my meals, I will be drinking different medicines, supplements, and mixtures every 10-15 minutes that will help me completely wash out all my organs. along with different treatments throughout the day. I told them, I can handle that, truly doesn't seem so hard. The next day, the program began.. 5:00 am, I began with drinking medication after medication, medical mixed drinks and vomiting over and over as if I had a stomach virus would never go away, every couple minutes I was vomiting, my abdomen in complete and utter pain throughout the day and yet I drink the same things and vomit more than I can handle.. then my seizures began, back to back, and for all 16 hours, I felt like I couldn't breath, I couldn't walk because It simply was taking all of my strength, and every time I even thought I was just about finished vomiting, I had to drink the next medication.. Pale, sweating, exhausted and in so much abdominal pain.. By Gods grace I was still able to smile, and simply make a joke " Well this is easy, I'm sure I can do this for the next 30 days or so" the nurse smiled at me back and said " Hunnie, this is simply just the medicine that we start with, you have so much more to drink and on day 3, we begin treatment.. May God give you strength."

I leaned my head back on the bed, looked up and the ceiling and just thought to myself " God help me, this is the easy part.. I just need your strength" I've been through this all before.. but this time its different, instead of helping me gain strength and preventing the seizures and my symptoms.. I'm triggering them and basically running myself dry.. from day one, I realized this would truly be one of my hardest paths..



Taking a break from the story to share that just this past weekend I again got sick and was in bed rest for a couple days,( currently still in this state). I think the hardest thing about living this kind of lifestyle is not necessarily the fact that I have so many symptoms, pain, seizures, nausea, etc not even the fact of lack of faith, because I truly believe in Gods healing power. But I believe the hardest part of this lifestyle, is simply not being able to live the life that you want or wish to have.. I am very blessed and from the outside people may see the type of life I live and think to themselves that I have it all.. and Praise God, I have many many blessings. But its not about the materialistic things, or at least it shouldn't be. Its about the simple things, like not being able to go swim by yourself, or shower without someone in the room waiting for you, the fact that you literally can't make solid plans because your chances of them following through are slim, you can work a job but the bare minimum because you're so weak afterwards, you cant continue school because your chances of forgetting so much with your seizures is quite high......, the hardest part is pursuing a future or a goal when you know that any moment, any second, any symptom, and this sickness can change your life in an instant... 

Its a hard way to live but I have to admit.. It hasn't stopped me and I refuse for it to stop me. I will fight for what I believe in, for my healing and for what my faith stands for. I will continue and fight for my future, my goals, and my dreams...

We all have insecurities, weaknesses and limits but If you have at least some health, some drive, some passion and faith in what you believe in....then pursue it. We never know what this life will bring, or what circumstances and trials may come our way. But all of us have opportunities that only some people can dream about.. and yet we look over all those simple things.. if you have a job, a car, money in your bank account, eyes to see and ears to hear, legs to walk on and arms to drink your $5 dollar cup of Starbucks coffee.. you are richer than more than half of the population on earth.. YOU ARE BLESSED. but yet, so often we complain, we see the small speck of black on a complete white page, we notice the one bad thing that happened throughout a wonderful 24hr day.. we spend more money on shoes then we give to church and spend more time praying for the new things we desire then for the people who are struggling with cancer or disease.. We as people have become selfish and ungrateful because we don't have it "all" and then we wonder why we cant just get "a break" .. its because we put ourselves before others more than any of us even realize..  we need to learn to love on people who may not know what love truly is, to pray for others more than we pray for ourselves, to give to people in need more than we spend on shoes or clothes, to notice all the amazing, beautiful things you have instead of the couple  of things you don't, and to truly Praise God for all the million blessings you have that you look over daily..


Yes, I live a hard lifestyle, seizures, abdominal and bone pain daily, constant nausea and dizziness, unable to work more than 2 days a week, unable to drive more than I do, unable to shower, swim, workout, travel, etc. without help, unable to truly plan my weekend let alone my future.., or  to go to school due to my unpredictable health, and simply living each day concerned about the next thing that may come up or the next clinic or treatment that I can be sent too.. there are many more things.. BUT I am so abundantly blessed because I have a family, husband, and friends that love me.. and a God that will never leave me..


I refuse to look and focus at my weakness' before my blessings, because compared to what I can do and what I have.. the rest is nothing...

I pray that everyone who reads this makes the choice to be better to others, towards themselves, and towards God who has given you more than we as people, quite frankly deserve..


With love, 
Krestina Alexandra