I drank my medicine and different mixtures as I was directed, I did my treatment and they helped me try and walk and eat.. they had to hold my drinks for me and sometimes just feed me as I laid there unable.. because I simply couldn't hold the fork.. I took showers as someone sat and waited right next to it just in case I collapse, I had moments where I had to use the restroom on myself because I simply couldn't get up.( sorry if thats too much information but its truth )... I had to always ( and many times still do ) rely on someone for help because I couldn't help myself.. I would wash my hair and chunks, huge chunks would fall out and I would look down at my hands as they shook and the tears mixed in with the water streaming down my face.. I was thinking.. "What have I become?"
I was following this routine at the clinic.. every day, the same thing.. It was like I was stuck in this movie and I kept hitting "rewind" and replaying it again.. We did constant tests and blood work to see how my progress was coming along and every time I spoke with the Doctor she gave me more and more unpleasant news.. something new was inflamed or irritated or another organ or condition had to be addressed and I just sat there, in silence, looked at her.. tried to soak it in...and just say "okay." What was I to do? Cry..? Pout..? Be angry or bitter? Be sad or disappointed? I felt like it was Mayo Clinic all over again but with a level of physical suffering that I didn't know I could experience.. It was the speech.. the same tone of voice.. even though the doctors, treatment, and clinic changed.. the symptoms and condition.. my current life style ... didn't.
At 87 pounds, my eyes and body filled with bruises, pale, my skin dry and cracking from dehydration, my body in constant turmoil, my hair completely falling out.. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself.. I felt as if i was looking at a stranger.. I felt like I was different.. not just physically, but emotionally and mentally.. I was a different person, I had become a different person..
With this raging storm all around me, this dark tunnel with not one glimpse of light, this constant heaviness of uncertainty, the thoughts trying to be sent to me from the evil one to just give up.. and this feeling of absolutely no emotion.. I took all of that and LET IT GO. Because though the enemy can try and send things my way.. I have the Heavenly Father holding me and throughout it all...I just had this peace, that I am in this complete place of suffering but I'll be okay.. someway, somehow.. because with God, I have hope and all things are possible.. One day, I will be free of this suffering, One day, I will feel healthy again, No matter what people, doctors, or the enemy say..
I have to hold on to hope.. because thats all I have.
Today, my lifestyle is no different than what I write about in my blog.. I struggle with the same emotions, symptoms, conditions, and thoughts of not being able to recognize my physical self. Recently, I cut my hair, short. To some people, you may think its not that short or its not a big deal.. but to me, it was a huge deal. Now for many of us girls, we consider our hair as a crown, that it defines a specific beauty in us. Well, for the past couple years as I've been going through treatment and procedures.. I lost a dramatic amount of hair.. not just chunks in the shower but bald spots on my scalp, I would feel them and see them, and I felt embarrassed, I felt like I was going to get even more pity and questions then I already had, and receive unwanted attention in an area that I felt self conscious in.. So.. I got extensions and I hid behind them.. my hair was still long but it was extremely thin and the bald spots were apparent. I felt like if I could hide behind the extensions then no one would really have to know and notice more of these imperfections that were constantly nagging at me every time I looked in the mirror.
I continued to pray for the Lord to help me see the beauty that he created in me, I know I'm not the most beautiful person... but I wanted to feel beautiful in Christ, in my natural, not be afraid or embarrassed of the things that were making me who I am.. My husband ( recently married 4.25.15) has been my constant support,( along with my whole family) but he constantly told me and reassured me that I was beautiful, gave my confidence again, and that I can embrace the things that I seemed to think were imperfections... but then through it, he helped me realize that they aren't imperfections at all. I wanted to look like the same old Krestina that was healthy, energetic, independent.. but as I mentioned earlier.. I was a different person.. I had become I different person, through my trials and through Christ.. I was a whole new person. I shouldn't be ashamed of the things that seem to be my imperfections.. I should embrace them, because they are a constant reminder that this trial.. this path.. was meant ... for me. That the Lord is doing something in my life that I need to completely and totally rely on him for.
See, I looked at my hair as a crown.. I felt like long hair was something that I always wanted and I finally had it even though it wasn't thick and glorious.. it was finally long. Its like I was scared to cut it because if I did, it was like I thought it somehow was me just accepting my sickness and not having some sort of security.. As if my self esteem would drop so much when people would see what I was trying to hide..But the truth is...I wasn't hiding from people, I was hiding from myself.. I was scared to face it, to see myself in such a weak state and to have other people see me that way as well. I put on my makeup, extensions, wore the right clothes so that my bones, bruises, discolored skin, bald spots were hidden.. but every night I came home, facing the same battle.. facing the truth..
People from the outside may see this strong confident women, but I'm completely weak and crippled without Jesus Christ. I have strength only through him.. he's what gives me the strength to keep fighting my sickness and also.. myself. After much prayer, the loving support of my amazing husband.. I went to one of my hairstylists and friends (Rebecca Griggs) and told her, Im tired of hiding.. Im ready to embrace short hair..., Im ready to embrace who I am.. I've been going through one of the biggest trials of my life.. but as I've written in previous blogs, It's what makes me who I am today, who I am in Christ, who he's called me to be.. and part of that is embracing EVERY weakness.. and surrendering and in return, I feel more free, I'm not ashamed of my weakness.. of my imperfections, of the things that seemed "ugly" to me... because all those things are what make my story and my trial.. Mine.
All the things we feel like we need.. extensions, fake eyelashes, makeup, the newest trends, its all temporary.. because then the latest, newest thing comes out.. and again we add to the list of things of "must haves" and "must be's" but what about having Jesus be our "must have" and being more like him .. that, being our "must be". I want to live a life that Glorifies him.. not myself. Part of that, is accepting and surrendering, embracing my weaknesses as the Lord uses this time to work in me, in my confidence, in my walk with him and strengthen me in him.
We each have something that maybe we compare to others, are self conscious about, maybe even wish we could change completely.. take that, and GIVE IT to the Lord, lay it before him, completely surrender... have him work in you, mold you, break the walls and the lies that the evil one tries to feed you... because God will take that and show you that you are completely and totally beautiful and your imperfections are not so.. but instead their a perfect part of who you are and your story...
Through God Almighty I have found freedom from the things that would secretly drag me down, I'm not afraid anymore to show what my sickness has done or what marks I have from it... because of this particular part of my life.. I am completely transformed.. the bruises, scars, and bald spots are what make me.. ME.
There is no perfect person.. only a perfect God.. the closer you get to him.. the closer you are to becoming more like him.
Romans 12:2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.
2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.
1 John 3:2-3 Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is. And everyone who has this hope fixed on Him purifies himself, just as He is pure.
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