"Bless those who persecute you.."

Today I want to share something completely different then my usual lifestyle. Today I want to share something that didn't hurt me physically at all.. but instead, hurt me emotionally and completely broke my heart..
 As, Ive written in my other blogs, my path, my journey has been filled with trials..., physical, emotional, mental, spiritual.. and at times it seems like their endless. Well recently, Ive encountered a whole new test in my life and I feel like its taught me so much.. not just about myself and God but also just about us as Christian people.

Ever since I've became ill, I've had many attacks against me, mostly from people and in the spiritual.. I've felt it for a long time and I've heard many things that were said.. or what people thought...
In the beginning people would say things like " She's not even that sick", "No one will marry her because of her sickness", "God must be punishing her for something", and a lot about "God is using this to teach certain people in her life a lesson"... the talking was always there. There was someone trying to destroy me or put me down somehow.. and over the years.. its only gotten worse..

These past couple months, I have had multiple prophecies spoken to me.. and to be honest, I have to admit that many times I have been sketched out about prophecies, I have had many spoken to me that I know were from the Lord and then there has been those ridiculous ones like my fingers were going to fall off cause of nail polish.. silly, I know. But anyway, I always listen to prophecies but I never take them too close to heart, I just ponder on them and do just as the Bible tells us to do.. "test all prophets and prophecies.."  Well, I have had many prophecies spoken of many things but recently its been said to me many times to rebuke peoples words and thoughts against me.. and that I need to be careful of certain people in my life.. 

At first, It was like okay.. but what ELSE could someone possibly say? and then the prophecies started to double,triple, and quadruple in telling me over and over.. to be careful and rebuke the battle in the  spiritual realm.. I began to realize this is actually something that I need to seriously pray about. So, I started to spend more and more time in prayer with the Lord, asking him to reveal to me what is being said, I started to beg him to show me who, and to show me the battle that is being fought in spirit.. but I didn't expect what was to come..

He started to show me the battle, I started to feel it everyday, My spirit would ache, I would be so filled with the Spirit, I couldn't hold back... I'd be in so many tears... I began to feel the devil watching me and fill my room with this heaviness every night.. as if he was taunting me, trying to show me how much he wanted my life.. There would be times when my husband was out of town and I would have a girlfriend stay with me, and they would wake up.. and they felt it also. It was significant.. that he was showing me.. he would not give up.

Then, the Lord started to reveal to me.. what was being said about me and who these people were.. he started to show me faces, certain ones were very close to me, others just knew me from the side.. I didn't want to see them, I didn't want to believe it.. I tried to squeeze my eyes and shake my head..But the Holy Spirit said.. "look, you asked for the revelations..look!" My heart fell to the pit of my stomach.. could it really be? and why? what did i ever do to them? .. I stayed on my knees after the Lord showed me.. and I wept..

Things began to unravel, the truth started to come to light.. I started to hear from others, who and what else was said.. "I was ugly, skinny, and visibly ill." others, "She's not even ill, she's doing it for attention", "She just wants everyone to feel sorry for her", "She is faking it.", "How could she be married and happy, And she's Sick, I'm not..", "She deserves this, its a lesson that you can't have everything.." and the list goes on and on...

At first, I cried.. I was heart broken and hurt.. I have to be honest that a part of me got angry.. How could people be so cruel? How could someone dare say these things? What did I ever do to them? What did I ever do to deserve that?!? I am desperate for health! Desperate for Change! How could I fake this pain, this illness.. the most difficult, painful thing in my life.. This thorn in my side that I've begged God over and over again to take out.. How desperate I am to live like every other 23 year old lives.. to not have to have someone watching me 24/7.. How i wish for freedom from this... and yet, people have the nerve to say otherwise..


Through my pain, I came to God.. and asked for help.. "Lord, fight this battle for me.. you know the truth, you see my heart.. I refuse to let the devil work through this.." I will not let him destroy me through others.. I have God, the Almighty.. and he will carry me through this. I spent hours on my knees.. and I told the Lord, "I will not get up.. until I am free from this.." by the end of my prayer.. I could not stop praying.. not for me.. but for those who persecuted and attacked me.. May the Lord Almighty bless them, fill their lives with peace and joy, happiness and love.. may He fill their hearts with good things so that they may know the truth ..

God worked in my heart, helped me take away the pain.. helped me heal, and helped me completely forgive... and completely let go, to bless them and feel peace, He gave me this love for those people, that I could have never received myself... I forgave everyone who has ever said anything.. not just for them, but for myself.. because I will not let the devil destroy me and weigh above me because of their words.. 

Many of us have been attacked by words, by peoples thoughts, or their judgements.. sometimes we get angry, bitter, have hate towards someone and mostly, we hurt.. but you must let go. The truth is, by you feeling that way towards them.. you are only giving them the upper hand and letting them win, letting the devil win.. bitterness, hurt, hate, is one of the main things that the Devil uses to try and destroy us.. He reveals to us the truth about humans but the thing is, we are all sinners, we all fall short. NONE of us are perfect.. yet we are so quick to judge others or say something negative.. THAT is the truth, and thats the truth that God teaches us..  but he mainly teaches us that no one is perfect, he teaches us to forgive, to give our battles to him, he teaches us to love.. and bless those who persecute us..

We as humans can be so cruel with our words and thoughts.. we say and think these things, thinking no one will ever know or find out.. we feel like we can say anything we want but yet no one has the right to say anything about us.. Many times we don't think before we speak and our words have so much power.. just as it says in the bible "the tongue has the power for life or death"... and I can tell you first hand.. i've felt both. 

I have chosen love, not hate, forgiveness not bitterness, to bless not to curse, and life not death...  I refuse to let the devil try and destroy me, he cannot and will not for the Lord is my rock and my salvation... and no word, no thought and no one can touch me or have power over me, because of him... 

I pray with all my heart that we all learn to love and forgive and let go of hurt and hate, I pray that we continuously bless those who persecute us and not curse, I pray that we think before we speak and that when we speak.. we speak life into other and our lives not death.. I pray that we be condemned when we speak wrongly.. and be filled with wisdom to be able to understand the difference..


Proverbs 18:21 "Death and life are in the power of the tongue,"

 Matthew 12:36-27 “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”


Romans 12:14 "Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse."


Matthew 5:44 "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,"


Luke 6:28 "Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you."


1 Corinthians 4:12 "We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it;"


1 Peter 3:9 "Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." 

(Many more pictures to come..)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B2wtRrlati0MUWVMUE1zM0VqLTg/view?usp=sharing please take time to watch this video..

Never giving up or giving in.

So I haven’t had a chance to write in awhile but on my last blog I shared a little diary entry from when I was at Lifetree wellness, Today I want to share another one as well..

The truth is, a lot of my time there almost feels like a blur, throughout the multiple seizures a day and the constant vomiting and becoming unconscious from pain and weakness..my memory loss was more severe then usual, Its like I remember these significant moments where I would become conscious, struggle and then black out again…  and let me tell you something, Cinema has it spot on.. have you ever watched a movie where someone was being rushed into the hospital and everything is a blur, and there are only moments, bits and peices that they show in the movie..well its exactly like that! 

here is another diary entry for you..

“Well I’m continuing treatment and therapy full force, my doctors are convinced that I have some sort of cancer mixed in with my auto immune disease that they are just unable to pin point, they said it looks too much like leukemia and very similar to a cancer in the electro-chemical hormonal system, but I have this peace in my heart that whatever it is.. it will be completely okay. With my white blood cells inactive and my red blood filled with bacteria and infection they are going to be working on cleansing my blood. My doctor told me that they are scared to continue with certain treatments that may strengthen my immune system because strengthening my immune system will only result in my disease becoming stronger and attacking me even more, which then will result in increased seizures and intestinal inflammation and the cycle goes on..They help and take care of me as much as they can, their so loving and supportive and thats exactly what I need right now. Its hard, I hate not having my family here but at the same time I’m happy because I know it would kill them to see me like this.. my days seem like a blur and I constantly feel like I’m praying and asking God to help give me strength.. I want to feel good again.. feel healthy again, feel young again.. I want to feel alive again. I do feel incredibly blessed however to still walk on this path, I believe that God will use this for his glory.. even if it could at least touch one persons life, it would be worth it.. I have to keep reminding myself that this is much greater than my sickness. God has his will for my life and that includes this journey right now. Im praying so strongly for strength, wisdom, and patience.. and one day, I will know what its like to be healthy again.”

I remember writing this journal entry and crying, I didn’t really know what was in store for me next, or if I was truly okay emotionally.. I knew and know what I believe, that I will be healed.. but in what way.. I’m unsure. looking back I feel like I was happy and at the same time I feel like I was in this unemotional state.. I didn’t really have much of a chance to think about how I felt “emotionally” I was so focused on the physical pain and trying to stay positive that I feel like I overlooked that every time I got on my knees to pray.. I was crying out in my spirit. But God (as always) pulled through and gave me a strength, a peace, joy, and knowing that no matter what happens.. I will be okay, whatever the outcome will be, I’ll be alright because he holds each one of us and our trials and broken hearts in his hands and he mends them, he takes our tears that cause floods and makes a rainbow out of it.. He is hope, and he is worth holding on to..

a couple Sundays ago, I was leading worship at my church and right in the middle of my song, I began to slur and started to shake.. My husband said that I put down the microphone and I looked at him, and at this point he has learned by my expression that I was NOT okay.. My brother got up from behind the drums and ran across the stage, my husband took off his guitar and they caught me right in time. They carried me into a back room where I went into many seizures, I was losing conciseness then ever before and stopped breathing multiple times.. My brother who has been on this journey with me every step of the way, said that its getting worse then it was before and its become extremely dangerous and more life threatening and if you know my brother Filipp, he is not generally one to worry.. but my whole family sees its becoming significantly worse recently. Of course, I don’t remember most of this.. I remember being on stage as my husband was praying and I remember looking up into the light and smiling, because I felt Jesus presence at that moment.. and the rest is a shattered memory until I came back into myself, I was at home.. my husband and family wanted to rush me to the hospital but I kept begging them not too.. ( as someone who has been hospitalized more times than I can count and in an out of clinics.. I will push not to go back until I can’t do it anymore) after Sunday, I started to vomit or needed to go to the restroom basically every hour or more. I couldn’t hold down anything, everything I tried to eat just went straight out of me.. I was becoming even weaker and extremely dehydrated. The pain was throbbing all over my body, I was unable to sleep, I was incredibly nauseous and my bones felt like someone took a hammer and beat my arms and legs with it. I could tell there was extreme inflammation in my stomach and my seizures have always been a sign that my autoimmune disease is incredibly flared up.. I couldn’t get myself up and my husband didn’t leave my side, him and my mother had to stay by me constantly and it dragged on for five days.. I called my GI doctor and told his nurse, I’m not able to keep anything down, Im incredibly nauseous, and I explained to her that this happens every time that I go through these episodes and that I need guidance and help, I asked her to talk to the Doctor and get back to me with any recommendations,

shortly after she called back and left a message.. “ The Doctor said that he is unsure of what to do next or of what to recommend and this is a job for a higher specialist, please talk to your primary care about possibly attending another clinic..”

I heard this message, and just looked at my husband with hurt in my eyes and heart broken…, because of my complicated case, this is the fifth GI doctor to give up on me.. 

I finally recovered after a few days and got on the road to Washington, granted.. I wasn’t supposed to or allowed to medically but unfortunately I have to admit that never stops me.. While I was there, again my sickness took over and put me in a terrible state with my friends around me, I woke up in a bed, looking at the tears on my friend Tanya's face and feeling the warmth of Regina and her husband Yans hands holding mine to make sure I’m responding.. I looked up and Regina told me, you’re heart stopped and you stopped breathing multiple times.. we had to help you wake up..”

I thought to myself, "I came to try and be a blessing to Regina but instead I felt like a burden.” and right after that thought.. the Holy Spirit stopped me and told me, “that is a lie from the devil” and I realized.. that in fact, it was.

Many times.. in these moments of weakness, we start to open these small cracks in the door for the devil to come in and plant small thoughts that are lies to destroy us.. and we don’t even realize it. These seem like small things, small thoughts but their usually the ones that slowly start to grow as the devil feeds the small flame that then becomes something that is fully burning inside of us.. the negative thoughts, the “one" time you watch a bad movie or listen to a bad song, the “one” time you’ll try drugs, or watching porn, the “one” time you lust over someone thats not your husband, the “one” time you get drunk, the  “one” time you steal, the list goes on.. and it slowly starts to consume you..  You don’t even realize that the “one” time that you let that “one” thing into your life.. it has slowly become something or some what a part of you or a part of your lifestyle…. and yet we are so unaware and oblivious because we have been lied to by the devil so much that we convince our selves that its okay.. and we slowly start to fade from what the truth is, and at that point, the devil doesn’t even have to lie to us.. we begin to lie to ourselves..

and that is why, I rebuked the very thought that crossed my mind.. because as soon as I let the devil convince me that I am truly this burden.. then thats when I start to give up, and when I give up.. he has won..

Here is the thing.. Doctors can give up or lie to you, people can give up or lie to you, sadly, even family can give up or lie to you.. But God, he does not give up fighting for you and for your love for him.. God doesn’t give up fighting for you to have faith in him and he makes himself apparent in all of our surroundings, in life, nature, in beauty.. in love.. I may have been rejected by doctors and even people but I haven’t been rejected nor forgotten by Christ. He will never leave us nor forsake us, just as it is written in his word.. and he is always the same and never goes back on his promises.. so whether I have to get more treatment in Tulsa, at Mayo, Lifetree, I know that at the end of this road of trials … there IS HOPE, because God hasn’t given up on me, on any of us.. and he will continuously fight for us, just as he did on the cross.. But I think the true test is, will we give up on him? I encourage you, no matter what your tunnel looks like right now, or how bumpy your road is.. Dont give up, Dont let the Devil lie to you and destroy you and what God has for you.. have faith, and patience because whether he is answering your prayer or whether he is keeping silent to teach you to either wait cause its not time, or maybe he’s telling you to listen, and sometimes he showing us to fight… fight against all the lies and deceit and rely on him. God IS doing something in our lives and whatever road you’re taking right now.. he has you on it for a reason. But also ask yourself did you choose this road? or did he? Sometimes we blame God for what is happening in our lives or the situations we put OURSELVES in. Just trust that God knows best, that he is taking care of you, and then.. you will know what peace is in the middle of a storm is.

Life is like a Sunset, it has dark spots and shadows.. but when you look at the big picture, you realize that those spots and shadows made the Sunset that much more beautiful..and it all came together perfectly..

With love,

Krestina Alexandra

there is no greater commandment than love.

I continued at Lifetree Wellness for one month on my first round of treatment, and as I wrote on my last blog.. It was one of my most difficult paths on this journey. I was suffering in so many ways, and  that continued the whole four weeks. I was with a group of people but yet I felt so alone, I would call my family almost every day and just cry, tell them how hard it was and how much I was struggling.. and If you know me very well, you know I am not a cryer..  but at this place and stage in my life, I couldn't help it.. It just poured out.

While I was there, Every moment of weakness, of suffering, of pain, I cried out to the Lord, asking and begging for strength and help. I may have not been able to do anything physically but I know I can always do something spiritually. In my moments of purely laying, or testing and all the pain, the tears that streamed down my face.. I would just be praying or crying out in the spirit. I knew I was at this clinic for a reason.. I know that all of these doors that open, all of these doctors and clinics.. there is a reason for me to be there, To either receive something, or to give back to someone in someway...

 You ever have those moments where you think and you look around at your circumstances, and you think to yourself.. this couldn't have happened without God allowing it to.. but for what reason did he allow it?  Why am I in this place right now? Well, this was one of those circumstances.. It was a battle, Why am I at this clinic if I only feel worse, If they can't help me, and If all I see is even worse results than before? What could I possibly be getting from this place?

As my thoughts consumed me, I knew I just had to give it up to the Father.. I got on my knees and I told him my every emotion, my fears, my pain, my struggles, my doubts, and everything that was on my heart.. I poured it out and while I was in this moment of spiritual pain.. I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to "stop! And listen" I started to hold back more tears and words, I wanted to keep venting, LORD, HELP!, and again, I heard the Holy Spirit speak again, "STOP! and listen." so with my knees on the ground, my face buried in my hands, my palms holding all my tears.. I stopped and tried to just listen.. and I heard the Lords voice tell me " This clinic will not be used for you, but I need to use you in this place for others, I need to speak to them through you." And at this, I began to cry even harder.. How could I be so selfish? How could I only think of myself when there were others suffering as well? How could I for this moment think that I was the only one begging for healing...? I felt embarrassed before God, and ashamed..

At that moment, I asked the Lord for forgiveness and I closed the door of any sort of self pity or selfishness, and I knew that this clinic was beyond me and my sickness, it was to be used for Gods glory. I started to pray completely differently, not Lord help my sickness, but Lord help me be used by you.. in any way that takes, even if that means being sick for a longer period of time. I wanted to be used by the Lord in every and any way possible and for a moment I forgot that, but God quickly reminded me of his calling for my life.. and from the beginning I knew that included using this illness  for his almighty Glory. And again, he began to just comfort me and give me peace, joy, and strength.. In the knowing that one day I'll be healed.. But this is my journey right now.. And that made me even more over joyed, because I knew that he was using me as a vessel... 

I started to see a difference around me, I began to look at the clinic, atmosphere, and people completely differently, and started to see every detail, and saw that the Lord hand crafted for me to be there. I began to become not just friends to the people there, but we started to become like family.. and I saw that what God was doing in me and through me was beautiful, and the physically aspect of this suffering, seemed worth every second. We began to pray together, testify together, read bible together and not just the patients but the staff as well.. but it wasn't your typical fellowship, you could feel Gods presence and his Holy Spirit was there, working in every individual, so openly and everyone became completely exposed to be able to be used by the Father.. God was doing so many things in the spiritual aspect of this time at Lifetree wellness, but you may ask.. what happened physically while you were there..? Well, I'd like to share one of my journal entries with you that was written at the time..

1/15/14
"While I've been here , I've been experiencing a new form of suffering that I didn't know exists, I feel like I'm in complete agony..  everything in my body aches and I feel so weak, everything I put in my mouth is absolutely disgusting and makes me throw up. I eat twice a day and basically i only eat an avocado, anything else I seem to put in my mouth.. just triggers seizures or vomiting.. and I feel like I can't handle anymore.. Every day I'm pushing myself to keep fighting, fighting for what I believe in, the healing that I believe is coming.. but If I'm completely honest with myself, I feel like I'm mostly fighting for my family.. for my parents, siblings, my friends... and sometimes I seem to have this silly thought that maybe even I will have a family one day, a husband.. but than every time I think that, I feel discouraged.. I go into my bathroom at this clinic and I look at myself, barely holding on at 80lbs. my hair is completely falling out and all I see is this sickness around me.. But I know that my physical doesn't matter.. maybe one day, someone will love me for what I have to offer, even if its not that much.. I haven't been able to spend as much time with God as I wish I could..before I got to spend hours with him at home.. right now, I can barely speak sometimes through the pain, but at least I still get an hour a day where I can just pray and read on the patio. They have this patio here.. Its nice, all you see is this forest, but its quiet.. and its nice to have a tiny bit of alone time throughout this chaos. They have been trying to boost my immune system while I've been here, but it seems to be making things worse.. they say that with an autoimmune disorder that your immune system is attacking itself.. well, mine defiantly has been attacking me. We ran another blood test and they only found 3 white blood cells, the doctor says that they are basically inactive and we have to work twice as hard on treatments..I'm just praying and begging God for them to multiply.. I don't know how much longer I can handle more hospitals, clinics, treatments.. I'm praying for mercy.. I have to just remember that this experience isn't just about me. As I was on my knees the other day, crying out to God, I felt the Holy Spirit tell me that God is using me, and the joy and strength he's given me to reach out to the others at this clinic. I keep reminding myself that.. the thing is, If I'm completely honest with myself.. I would want to give up, but I know that God is holding me, giving me joy and peace, and even if I were to never get healed... If my last journey is this clinic, and God wants to use me here.. It would all be worth it.. just to fulfill his purpose in my life at this moment." 

Many times in our lives we get in these situations and circumstances that seem to feel like this never ending black whole and we can think of nothing else but about how we feel or about how we are doing and how can we get better, or when will the struggles end.. and all we think about is ourselves and our problems.. I heard this sang one time " The reason your problem is the biggest, is because its YOUR problem." And that may very well be true in one aspect.. but what about everyone else..?


We put our selves before others almost all the time, we put our circumstances before others all the time.. our friend could be suffering with something serious, and instead of truly being there for them as the support system that we should.. we only think about our own problems, whatever they may be..Im not saying to give up on your problems, no, give them up to the Lord.. but what I am saying, Is.. we need to try and love, pray, encourage, and start putting others before ourselves.. Just as I was letting the Devil give me these thoughts at the clinic of self pity.. God quickly helped me remember that the circumstance I was in, wasn't about me, It was about being there as a vessel for another.. there are SO many other people that need you and your love, other than yourself! 

God has given me a strength and confidence throughout this trial in my life and a love for others that I know is only given to me from the Lord himself, cause I couldn't do it on my own.. through my trial.. I have realized that one of the most important things is putting others before yourself and loving others.. being there for them with encouragement and open arms. What if your circumstance and your trial is not to just prepare you for your future, but also to be a light through out your hard time for others? What if your biggest test isn't the trail itself, but how will you look at, help, and love others even when you don't have much to offer..

... I encourage you..Take time to pray for God to continue to help you love others and think about others before yourself, walk the walk of a true Believer, as he has called us to...

Luke 6:35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High,because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.


Mark 12:31 The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'There is no commandment greater than these." 

1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

1 John 4:7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.


Currently my best friend Regina is going to start chemo and also have a bone marrow transplant, I was on my knees praying and in my pain for her, I was begging God for her healing but also thanking him that she has a way out and doctors are able to help her and in a few months, she will have a normal life again.. I know she will be healed and restored completely, I just hate to see her have to go through a difficult journey as well.. it hurts my heart. I would do anything to take away her pain.. even if that means adding it unto my own sickness.. I've had people ask me " Does it hurt you that others have a cure.. and you don't" It doesn't. Because maybe through medicine I don't have a cure... but through God, I do. And in all honestly, recently, I have come to a point where I don't even think about what I have to do anymore, I just do it.. I know God will heal me in his perfect timining.. .But if I could do anything.. I would take away Reginas pain.. 

Like I said earlier, I encourage you to love others, think of others before yourself, truly pray for others, and not just text back " I'm praying for you.." but actually do it! Encourage, support, and again, be the believer that God has called you to be.. and if I could ask for anything, If you are reading this..please close your laptop, iPad, or phone and pray for Regina for full healing and restoration as she goes through her painful journey as well...

With Love,
 Krestina Alexandra

perfect imperfections

As I continued at Lifetree Wellness Clinic, I became weaker than I ever was or felt before.. there was days I felt like I couldn't continue with treatment and just wanted to spend completely laying in my bed, but it wasn't possible. They tried to let me take a little nap if I got the chance but the whole time they aimed to push me to continue.... I began to lose my appetite, everything I ate only made me worse.. I was longing for rest, for sleep, but even when I got that little nap or amount of sleep.. all I could feel was my whole body throbbing from aching pain.. every inch of my body felt as if a hammer has been taken to it, my bones feeling like they are completely eating away at each other, my head spinning, my hands and legs shaking, and my stomach in absolute pain as if a knife were running through all my organs...I felt weak, exhausted, and completely and totally helpless..

I drank my medicine and different mixtures as I was directed, I did my treatment and they helped me try and walk and eat.. they had to hold my drinks for me and sometimes just feed me as I laid there unable.. because I simply couldn't hold the fork.. I took showers as someone sat and waited right next to it just in case I collapse, I had moments where I had to use the restroom on myself because I simply couldn't get up.( sorry if thats too much information but its truth )... I had to always ( and many times still do )  rely on someone for help because I couldn't help myself.. I would wash my hair and chunks, huge chunks would fall out and I would look down at my hands as they shook and the tears mixed in with the water streaming down my face.. I was thinking.. "What have I become?" 

I was following this routine at the clinic.. every day, the same thing.. It was like I was stuck in this movie and I kept hitting "rewind" and replaying it again.. We did constant tests and blood work to see how my progress was coming along and every time I spoke with the Doctor she gave me more and more unpleasant news.. something new was inflamed or irritated or another organ or condition had to be addressed and I just sat there, in silence, looked at her.. tried to soak it in...and just say "okay." What was I to do? Cry..? Pout..? Be angry or bitter? Be sad or disappointed? I felt like it was Mayo Clinic all over again but with a level of physical suffering that I didn't know I could experience.. It was the speech.. the same tone of voice.. even though the doctors, treatment, and clinic changed.. the symptoms and condition.. my current life style ... didn't. 

At 87 pounds, my eyes and body filled with bruises, pale, my skin dry and cracking from dehydration, my body in constant turmoil, my hair completely falling out.. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself.. I felt as if i was looking at a stranger.. I felt like I was different.. not just physically, but emotionally and mentally.. I was a different person, I had become a different person..

With this raging storm all around me, this dark tunnel with not one glimpse of light, this constant heaviness of uncertainty, the thoughts trying to be sent to me from the evil one to just give up.. and this feeling of absolutely no emotion.. I took all of that and LET IT GO. Because though the enemy can try and send things my way.. I have the Heavenly Father holding me and throughout it all...I just had this peace, that I am in this complete place of suffering but I'll be okay.. someway, somehow.. because with God, I have hope and all things are possible.. One day, I will be free of this suffering, One day, I will feel healthy again, No matter what people, doctors, or the enemy say..

I have to hold on to hope.. because thats all I have.


Today, my lifestyle is no different than what I write about in my blog.. I struggle with the same emotions, symptoms, conditions, and thoughts of not being able to recognize my physical self. Recently, I cut my hair, short. To some people, you may think its not that short or its not a big deal.. but to me, it was a huge deal. Now for many of us girls, we consider our hair as a crown, that it defines a specific beauty in us. Well, for the past couple years as I've been going through treatment and procedures.. I lost a dramatic amount of hair.. not just chunks in the shower but bald spots on my scalp, I would feel them and see them, and I felt embarrassed, I felt like I was going to get even more pity and questions then I already had, and receive unwanted attention in an area that I felt self conscious in.. So.. I got extensions and I hid behind them.. my hair was still long but it was extremely thin and the bald spots were apparent. I felt like if I could hide behind the extensions then no one would really have to know and notice more of these imperfections that were constantly nagging at me every time I looked in the mirror. 

I continued to pray for the Lord to help me see the beauty that he created in me, I know I'm not the most beautiful person... but I wanted to feel beautiful in Christ, in my natural, not be afraid or embarrassed of the things that were making me who I am.. My husband ( recently married 4.25.15) has been my constant support,( along with my whole family) but he constantly told me and reassured me that I was beautiful, gave my confidence again, and that I can embrace the things that I seemed to think were imperfections... but then through it, he helped me realize that they aren't imperfections at all. I wanted to look like the same old Krestina that was healthy, energetic, independent.. but as I mentioned earlier.. I was a different person.. I had become I different person, through my trials and through Christ.. I was a whole new person. I shouldn't be ashamed of the things that seem to be my imperfections.. I should embrace them, because they are a constant reminder that this trial.. this path.. was meant ... for me. That the Lord is doing something in my life that I need to completely and totally rely on him for. 

See, I looked at my hair as a crown.. I felt like long hair was something that I always wanted and I finally had it even though it wasn't thick and glorious.. it was finally long. Its like I was scared to cut it because if I did, it was like I thought it somehow was me just accepting my sickness and not having some sort of security.. As if my self esteem would drop so much when people would see what I was trying to hide..But the truth is...I wasn't hiding from people, I was hiding from myself.. I was scared to face it, to see myself in such a weak state and to have other people see me that way as well. I put on my makeup, extensions, wore the right clothes so that my bones, bruises, discolored skin, bald spots were hidden.. but every night I came home, facing the same battle.. facing the truth..

People from the outside may see this strong confident women, but I'm completely weak and crippled without Jesus Christ. I have strength only through him.. he's what gives me the strength to keep fighting my sickness and also.. myself. After much prayer, the loving support of my amazing husband.. I went to one of my hairstylists and friends (Rebecca Griggs) and told her, Im tired of hiding.. Im ready to embrace short hair..., Im ready to embrace who I am.. I've been going through one of the biggest trials of my life.. but as I've written in previous blogs, It's what makes me who I am today, who I am in Christ, who he's called me to be.. and part of that is embracing EVERY weakness.. and surrendering and in return, I feel more free, I'm not ashamed of my weakness.. of my imperfections, of the things that seemed "ugly" to me... because all those things are what make my story and my trial.. Mine. 


All the things we feel like we need.. extensions, fake eyelashes, makeup, the newest trends, its all temporary.. because then the latest, newest thing comes out.. and again we add to the list of things of "must haves" and "must be's" but what about having Jesus be our "must have" and being more like him .. that, being our "must be". I want to live a life that Glorifies him.. not myself. Part of that, is accepting and surrendering, embracing my weaknesses as the Lord uses this time to work in me, in my confidence, in my walk with him and strengthen me in him. 

We each have something that maybe we compare to others, are self conscious about, maybe even wish we could change completely.. take that, and GIVE IT to the Lord, lay it before him, completely surrender... have him work in you, mold you, break the walls and the lies that the evil one tries to feed you... because God will take that and show you that you are completely and totally beautiful and your imperfections are not so.. but instead their a perfect part of who you are and your story...

Through God Almighty I have found freedom from the things that would secretly drag me down, I'm not afraid anymore to show what my sickness has done or what marks I have from it... because of this particular part of my life.. I am completely transformed.. the bruises, scars, and bald spots are what make me.. ME.

There is no perfect person.. only a perfect God.. the closer you get to him.. the closer you are to becoming more like him.


Romans 12:2  And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

2 Corinthians 5:17  Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

1 John 3:2-3  Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is. And everyone who has this hope fixed on Him purifies himself, just as He is pure.

St.Maries

I packed all my bags and next thing I knew, I was on a plane flying to St. Maries, Idaho.. to a clinic I am unfamiliar with and no family members by my side.. this time, I was going to try and face this one on my own. I arrived at the airport and I saw a man and a women, holding up a sign with my name on it. I slowly walked up and smiled and told them "Here I am" they both smiled at me gently and we began with small conversation.. them asking how I flew and how I was doing so far, they kindness and friendliness made me feel somehow as if I've known them for years. We got my luggage, headed to the car and then we were on our way to the clinic from there. The clinic was a two hour drive from the airport, at the very top of a mountain, extremely secluded.. no cellphone service, extremely limited Wifi, no cable or actual TV channels, just small cabins all around each other. I instantly realized that this clinic was like no other I've been to before.. its not just your typical clinic, this is a medical rehab. 

They kindly showed me to my room and said, you can sleep in tomorrow but they day after, the program will begin. The next day, I did many different types of blood work and tests and diagnoses trying to help me prepare for the program that they were about to begin on me. They admitted to me that it is a very difficult program and it takes a lot out of a healthy person, let alone someone who is chronically ill. To be honest, I thought to myself.. what could possibly be so difficult, I feel like I've been a continuous lab rat at this point and felt like I could almost face anything... little did I know. 

They explained to me that the program begins at 5:00 am and finishes about 8:30 to 9:00 pm, that I will be woken up every morning and I will only be able to eat raw food (fruits, nuts, and vegetables), three times a day, for the next 30+ days, in between my meals, I will be drinking different medicines, supplements, and mixtures every 10-15 minutes that will help me completely wash out all my organs. along with different treatments throughout the day. I told them, I can handle that, truly doesn't seem so hard. The next day, the program began.. 5:00 am, I began with drinking medication after medication, medical mixed drinks and vomiting over and over as if I had a stomach virus would never go away, every couple minutes I was vomiting, my abdomen in complete and utter pain throughout the day and yet I drink the same things and vomit more than I can handle.. then my seizures began, back to back, and for all 16 hours, I felt like I couldn't breath, I couldn't walk because It simply was taking all of my strength, and every time I even thought I was just about finished vomiting, I had to drink the next medication.. Pale, sweating, exhausted and in so much abdominal pain.. By Gods grace I was still able to smile, and simply make a joke " Well this is easy, I'm sure I can do this for the next 30 days or so" the nurse smiled at me back and said " Hunnie, this is simply just the medicine that we start with, you have so much more to drink and on day 3, we begin treatment.. May God give you strength."

I leaned my head back on the bed, looked up and the ceiling and just thought to myself " God help me, this is the easy part.. I just need your strength" I've been through this all before.. but this time its different, instead of helping me gain strength and preventing the seizures and my symptoms.. I'm triggering them and basically running myself dry.. from day one, I realized this would truly be one of my hardest paths..



Taking a break from the story to share that just this past weekend I again got sick and was in bed rest for a couple days,( currently still in this state). I think the hardest thing about living this kind of lifestyle is not necessarily the fact that I have so many symptoms, pain, seizures, nausea, etc not even the fact of lack of faith, because I truly believe in Gods healing power. But I believe the hardest part of this lifestyle, is simply not being able to live the life that you want or wish to have.. I am very blessed and from the outside people may see the type of life I live and think to themselves that I have it all.. and Praise God, I have many many blessings. But its not about the materialistic things, or at least it shouldn't be. Its about the simple things, like not being able to go swim by yourself, or shower without someone in the room waiting for you, the fact that you literally can't make solid plans because your chances of them following through are slim, you can work a job but the bare minimum because you're so weak afterwards, you cant continue school because your chances of forgetting so much with your seizures is quite high......, the hardest part is pursuing a future or a goal when you know that any moment, any second, any symptom, and this sickness can change your life in an instant... 

Its a hard way to live but I have to admit.. It hasn't stopped me and I refuse for it to stop me. I will fight for what I believe in, for my healing and for what my faith stands for. I will continue and fight for my future, my goals, and my dreams...

We all have insecurities, weaknesses and limits but If you have at least some health, some drive, some passion and faith in what you believe in....then pursue it. We never know what this life will bring, or what circumstances and trials may come our way. But all of us have opportunities that only some people can dream about.. and yet we look over all those simple things.. if you have a job, a car, money in your bank account, eyes to see and ears to hear, legs to walk on and arms to drink your $5 dollar cup of Starbucks coffee.. you are richer than more than half of the population on earth.. YOU ARE BLESSED. but yet, so often we complain, we see the small speck of black on a complete white page, we notice the one bad thing that happened throughout a wonderful 24hr day.. we spend more money on shoes then we give to church and spend more time praying for the new things we desire then for the people who are struggling with cancer or disease.. We as people have become selfish and ungrateful because we don't have it "all" and then we wonder why we cant just get "a break" .. its because we put ourselves before others more than any of us even realize..  we need to learn to love on people who may not know what love truly is, to pray for others more than we pray for ourselves, to give to people in need more than we spend on shoes or clothes, to notice all the amazing, beautiful things you have instead of the couple  of things you don't, and to truly Praise God for all the million blessings you have that you look over daily..


Yes, I live a hard lifestyle, seizures, abdominal and bone pain daily, constant nausea and dizziness, unable to work more than 2 days a week, unable to drive more than I do, unable to shower, swim, workout, travel, etc. without help, unable to truly plan my weekend let alone my future.., or  to go to school due to my unpredictable health, and simply living each day concerned about the next thing that may come up or the next clinic or treatment that I can be sent too.. there are many more things.. BUT I am so abundantly blessed because I have a family, husband, and friends that love me.. and a God that will never leave me..


I refuse to look and focus at my weakness' before my blessings, because compared to what I can do and what I have.. the rest is nothing...

I pray that everyone who reads this makes the choice to be better to others, towards themselves, and towards God who has given you more than we as people, quite frankly deserve..


With love, 
Krestina Alexandra

His children

I haven't written in awhile.. Not because I don't have anything to say.. But quite the opposite.. I feel like I have recently encountered so many trails, so many difficulties that I haven't been able to write because I didn't know how to put it all together.. I'll start off by going back and continuing my story.

We continued to see all five natural doctors and work together on seeing if my body would at least cooperate with natural remedies.. I was doing many cleanses and many different supplements.. Different types of shakes and medicines.. My whole day seemed as if it was simply just a schedule, a full time job of just taking the proper medications at the proper times.. Going to the doctors and then again just drinking medicine again.. My life was on a timer, on a constant alarm.. My seasons, my days, seconds, every single moment was spent trying to keep me going.. Trying to keep me on my feet, trying to have me live somewhat of a normal life and yet.. Nothing was normal about it...

Throughout this time, I had many wonderful doctors.. But a particular one (Dr.Walters) stood out the most. Every time I had an appointment with her, she not only tested me and treated me, but she spoke life and encouragement into my life.. She would pray over me and speak to me about my sickness, my life.. As if God was speaking to me himself.. One particular time.. While testing me she told me "Krestina, I feel like The Lord is telling me that this is going to be such an amazing testimony.. But there is something that you need to receive.. You need to receive healing in your heart, full restoration.. Because from the heart.. Flows all things, just as it is written in his word.." I stopped and I looked at her confused.. What does that even mean? My heart wasn't broken.. I felt like I was perfectly fine, I felt like God has given me so much strength and joy.. Why would I need to pray for restoration and healing of my heart?

I left the appointment, my mind pondering, wondering what exactly was I supposed to take from that?.. That evening I was on my knees having my prayer time and just spending time with The Lord.. When all of a sudden I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me, so loud and clear...(John 14:27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.)my heart needed to be healed from trying to always do everything on my own, from all the emotions that I was trying to hold in, all the strength that I was trying to have, from all the baggage, burdens, hurt, that I was carrying... I needed to heal from the fact, accept that.. Its okay.. That I'm not okay.. How can I try and find healing when I'm not even letting myself face it? I knew that God is healing me, I know he's been giving me joy and strength.. But what about just accepting the reality that I am his child, I'm helpless without him, and it's okay to come to him about it.. I put myself under the impression that I needed to constantly fight, constantly smile and carry on.. But that's not what it's all about. Sometimes, it's about completely giving up and giving in to The Lord, by that, I mean..truly coming to him as his child and crying to him, knowing that throughout everything, he will always carry you..(Isaiah 41:10: "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, yes, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.")

After I heard the Holy Spirit, I felt completely ashamed and just started to come to him, pour it out.. Tell him my true fears and feelings, just confess and own up to the truth of my situation.. No one can help me, no doctor, no naturopath, not even myself, only God.. Because without his guidance.. I truly will not make it, not spiritually, not emotionally, mentally, and especially not physically..

From that moment, things started to change a little more, it was if I was still that positive, smiling person but I also felt a freedom, a weight lifted off, I felt like me breaking down before The Lord and truly realizing my worth to him, his love for me, the fact that I'm HIS child and it's okay to tell him everything that I'm feeling, that I'm struggling with because he created me! He knows everything, even if I try and hide it, even when I keep it in, he knows it all! But sometimes it takes us just to simply ask him and truly come to him for us to get an answer or healing..


Afterwards, I still began seeing all my doctors but it was as if all the constant discouragement and bad news, the constant negativity from all of them didn't affect me anymore.. Even though they kept telling me "there is no healing from this",  "your body may just rot away", "there is no telling how much longer you'll keep going" .. It was true, there was no telling how much I would keep going, but it was God that kept me going, that keeps me going... And sickness is NOT in his will.. So I WILL KEEP GOING, Believing, hoping, fighting.. For Jesus is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, creator of all things, bearer of all sickness and diseases.. And he bore it all on the cross for us, and that almighty God.. Is also my father. He WILL take care of me.

But of course, the enemy never sleeps.. And spiritually I was renewed but physically.. I was truly started to feel my flesh giving up. Around Christmas of 2013, only 3 months after Mayo Clinic, I started to again decline drastically and started being rushed to the hospital just as often as I did since it first all began.. It started to all become a blur again.. Just like in the movies, the scenes where your rushed to the hospital and all you hear is yelling of Doctors and nurses, flashing lights.. Well I can concur that Cinemark has it completely spot on, because it's just like that. My body was giving out and my doctors were almost completely giving up. They said I have to start looking into different options, different states with clinics, maybe even a different country.. Without hesitation my parents started calling all around looking to hurry up and get me help, a place that could accept me as a patient right away, we looked into India and other places but the waiting list was too long and my parents didn't want to wait, it was too risky. After calling around, a few of our friends kept recommending a clinic in Idaho, Lifetree Wellness center. We were hesitant because we haven't heard much about it but we looked into it anyway.. We saw that they were an all natural clinic and focused on completely cleaning out all the organs and trying to start you fresh, it was a secluded clinic in the mountains and a medical rehab center, it seemed like it would be extremely difficult but it was worth looking into. We called them and explained my situation, the lady said that most of the staff is in Africa helping people there so they don't feel like they would be able to take me as a patient. Discouraged, we hang up.. Realizing that was basically our last option.. Within a few minutes the lady calls me back and says, "we want to make an exception and work with you, we feel that it has been put on our hearts to try and help as much as we can.." It was such a blessing to hear that, so after we got off the phone we got on our computer and bought me a ticket to fly there in two days..

I thought I knew what struggling was.. Until I went there..


I just want everyone to understand your worth... God gave his one and only son for me, for you, for all of us.. He does not desire sickness or pain, fear, worries, or burdens for us.. He desires for us to be set free and set apart from the things of this world and renew our hearts and our minds.. We are his children, and DO NOT DOUBT, he hears your prayers  and everything that you think no one sees or knows.. The Lord knows, and he Will carry you, he will lift you up and out of your situation.. It may not be in our timing but In his and we must remember that The Lord has perfect timing. Do not be discouraged for he is with you.. And this father will take care of you, love you, hold you, carry you.. Even if your earthly father won't... You still always have your Heavenly Father..

Being renewed

After I came home from Mayo clinic, (September 2013) there was this moment where it seemed time was standing still..  As if I was living in some sort of dream, that I couldn't wake up from. The doctors from Mayo told me to follow up with my doctors here at home, just to help me keep going, to prescribe me new medications of whatever I need to help my organs try and keep up. I kept telling myself, there has got to be a way.. There must be a way to get better, how can doctors not have anything, nothing to cure this condition.., but even though I had those thoughts, my spirit knew the answer.. My healing wasn't to come from doctors but from The Lord himself.  After a lot of recommendations, we decided to completely try going all natural, taking supplements, an even more clean strict diet, anything to at least help ease my pain, my inflammation, and my symptoms. The natural doctor, Dr. Harris continued to tell me that I'm a walking miracle but he believes that he can help me, he was so certain and believed so strongly in his program.. By his guidance he was referring me to other natural specialist and we had 5 of them working on me together.  During this time I was still continuing to do other treatments with other doctors, seeing many specialists at one time.My diet continued to be basically nothing but shakes and juices, mashed foods, almost everything blended. For a moment, it seemed I was getting better, that I seemed to be getting on my feet and I seemed to be recovering but then, I fell quicker than before, losing weight even more drastically and continued to get worse physically, my seizures, my bone pain, my vomiting, fainting, pain, everything started increasing... My hospital visits began to increase more and more and so did the fear and worry in my household. The holidays were coming up, and my doctors were telling me I was only getting worse, and I need to look into other options, other clinics for help..


I want to step out of sharing from the past for a moment and share about what has been going on, my trail, my battle that I just recently faced.. A couple weeks ago, It was 2 years from the first day I collapsed, from the moment this all began. A couple days before the date of 2 years, I was absolutely filled with the Holy Spirit, I was unable to sit still for days, all I wanted to do was just be on my knees, pray, I was just shaking from being so filled, I felt my spirit had so much to say.. I was simply crying out to God, begging for healing, for strength, for wisdom. I was even more desperate for more of him, I was wanting to hear from him so desperately, I was in need for some strength to continue on. As I was spending this time with him, as I was crying out for healing.. I heard The Lord speak to me so clearly, asking me " will you still praise me like this, even if I choose not to heal you..?" And in that moment, I paused, almost completely ashamed..and I just said " Lord, you are right, you can heal me, I know you can.. But if you choose not to, I will STILL praise you not just as I praise you today, but even more because I know that you have chosen me to continue ." I felt him testing me in that very moment, are we just completely desperate for him when we need something, some sort of prayer answered, or are we desperate for him daily, (the way we should be) because he is an almighty God, because whatever he chooses to do in our lives, is for his glory. It says in the word, that we are his, that we are his children, our lives belong to him, our lives our in his hands, and he will work it out for our good (Romans 8:28) The Lord deserves our glory and praise NOT because of what he gives us.. But because of WHO HE IS! After The Lord spoke to me, I was almost silent for about 3 days, not really speaking, not really feeling any emotions, just simply silent. (For those of you that now me personally, you know that I am never silent, and if so.. It's only during a movie or a sermon ;) )  but for 3 days, I simply felt as if things were a blur, I took a couple days to just mourn over who I was and just let go. My mourning wasn't out of anger, or even so much of being upset.. It was more of just that I felt the spirit was telling me, it was time to let go.. See, I have been constantly thinking and saying to people "I used to be.. I used to be.." But who I used to be is gone! And that's okay, it's even more than okay... It's wonderful!! Who I used to be was close to God, was a little naive, was weaker.. But who I have become is much closer to God, wiser, and stronger! That's only because of Gods grace! The Bible says ".. since you have put off the old man with his deeds, and have put on the new man who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of Him who created him" (‭Colossians‬ ‭3‬:‭9-10‬) through this life changing experience, God helped me lay down my old self, and put on my new self who is renewed, transformed by The Lord and that's exciting!!! The thing is, I took a couple days to mourn and let my old self go and become to realize the joy in who I am today, to embrace my current situation, my current condition.. And to fully come to knowledge with the fact that who God makes us, is greater then who we could ever be by ourselves. The situations that we go through in life that make us question God and ask him what is he possibly doing, cause we can't understand... Those are the very things we have to realize he is doing to make us become our better selves.. Because only through hardships, can we have a chance to overcome and grow.


"So now what" you may ask.. Well, now I embrace who I am today, no more looking back. Because who The Lord has made me today, is much better than who I ever could have become without this. I still believe that The Lord will heal me, I stick to the fact that God is almighty, he can do all things , but throughout this time..I take this up with joy in the knowing that God has been helping me mold into a greater person than I once was..  In your life today, he could be doing that very thing, because he doesn't want what you want for yourself.... But instead He wants more for you than you could ever even imagine.


Just remember, our circumstance don't define our God. But our God, can bring us out of any circumstance.