The truth is, a lot of my time there almost feels like a blur, throughout the multiple seizures a day and the constant vomiting and becoming unconscious from pain and weakness..my memory loss was more severe then usual, Its like I remember these significant moments where I would become conscious, struggle and then black out again… and let me tell you something, Cinema has it spot on.. have you ever watched a movie where someone was being rushed into the hospital and everything is a blur, and there are only moments, bits and peices that they show in the movie..well its exactly like that!
here is another diary entry for you..
“Well I’m continuing treatment and therapy full force, my doctors are convinced that I have some sort of cancer mixed in with my auto immune disease that they are just unable to pin point, they said it looks too much like leukemia and very similar to a cancer in the electro-chemical hormonal system, but I have this peace in my heart that whatever it is.. it will be completely okay. With my white blood cells inactive and my red blood filled with bacteria and infection they are going to be working on cleansing my blood. My doctor told me that they are scared to continue with certain treatments that may strengthen my immune system because strengthening my immune system will only result in my disease becoming stronger and attacking me even more, which then will result in increased seizures and intestinal inflammation and the cycle goes on..They help and take care of me as much as they can, their so loving and supportive and thats exactly what I need right now. Its hard, I hate not having my family here but at the same time I’m happy because I know it would kill them to see me like this.. my days seem like a blur and I constantly feel like I’m praying and asking God to help give me strength.. I want to feel good again.. feel healthy again, feel young again.. I want to feel alive again. I do feel incredibly blessed however to still walk on this path, I believe that God will use this for his glory.. even if it could at least touch one persons life, it would be worth it.. I have to keep reminding myself that this is much greater than my sickness. God has his will for my life and that includes this journey right now. Im praying so strongly for strength, wisdom, and patience.. and one day, I will know what its like to be healthy again.”
I remember writing this journal entry and crying, I didn’t really know what was in store for me next, or if I was truly okay emotionally.. I knew and know what I believe, that I will be healed.. but in what way.. I’m unsure. looking back I feel like I was happy and at the same time I feel like I was in this unemotional state.. I didn’t really have much of a chance to think about how I felt “emotionally” I was so focused on the physical pain and trying to stay positive that I feel like I overlooked that every time I got on my knees to pray.. I was crying out in my spirit. But God (as always) pulled through and gave me a strength, a peace, joy, and knowing that no matter what happens.. I will be okay, whatever the outcome will be, I’ll be alright because he holds each one of us and our trials and broken hearts in his hands and he mends them, he takes our tears that cause floods and makes a rainbow out of it.. He is hope, and he is worth holding on to..
a couple Sundays ago, I was leading worship at my church and right in the middle of my song, I began to slur and started to shake.. My husband said that I put down the microphone and I looked at him, and at this point he has learned by my expression that I was NOT okay.. My brother got up from behind the drums and ran across the stage, my husband took off his guitar and they caught me right in time. They carried me into a back room where I went into many seizures, I was losing conciseness then ever before and stopped breathing multiple times.. My brother who has been on this journey with me every step of the way, said that its getting worse then it was before and its become extremely dangerous and more life threatening and if you know my brother Filipp, he is not generally one to worry.. but my whole family sees its becoming significantly worse recently. Of course, I don’t remember most of this.. I remember being on stage as my husband was praying and I remember looking up into the light and smiling, because I felt Jesus presence at that moment.. and the rest is a shattered memory until I came back into myself, I was at home.. my husband and family wanted to rush me to the hospital but I kept begging them not too.. ( as someone who has been hospitalized more times than I can count and in an out of clinics.. I will push not to go back until I can’t do it anymore) after Sunday, I started to vomit or needed to go to the restroom basically every hour or more. I couldn’t hold down anything, everything I tried to eat just went straight out of me.. I was becoming even weaker and extremely dehydrated. The pain was throbbing all over my body, I was unable to sleep, I was incredibly nauseous and my bones felt like someone took a hammer and beat my arms and legs with it. I could tell there was extreme inflammation in my stomach and my seizures have always been a sign that my autoimmune disease is incredibly flared up.. I couldn’t get myself up and my husband didn’t leave my side, him and my mother had to stay by me constantly and it dragged on for five days.. I called my GI doctor and told his nurse, I’m not able to keep anything down, Im incredibly nauseous, and I explained to her that this happens every time that I go through these episodes and that I need guidance and help, I asked her to talk to the Doctor and get back to me with any recommendations,
shortly after she called back and left a message.. “ The Doctor said that he is unsure of what to do next or of what to recommend and this is a job for a higher specialist, please talk to your primary care about possibly attending another clinic..”
I heard this message, and just looked at my husband with hurt in my eyes and heart broken…, because of my complicated case, this is the fifth GI doctor to give up on me..
I finally recovered after a few days and got on the road to Washington, granted.. I wasn’t supposed to or allowed to medically but unfortunately I have to admit that never stops me.. While I was there, again my sickness took over and put me in a terrible state with my friends around me, I woke up in a bed, looking at the tears on my friend Tanya's face and feeling the warmth of Regina and her husband Yans hands holding mine to make sure I’m responding.. I looked up and Regina told me, you’re heart stopped and you stopped breathing multiple times.. we had to help you wake up..”
I thought to myself, "I came to try and be a blessing to Regina but instead I felt like a burden.” and right after that thought.. the Holy Spirit stopped me and told me, “that is a lie from the devil” and I realized.. that in fact, it was.
Many times.. in these moments of weakness, we start to open these small cracks in the door for the devil to come in and plant small thoughts that are lies to destroy us.. and we don’t even realize it. These seem like small things, small thoughts but their usually the ones that slowly start to grow as the devil feeds the small flame that then becomes something that is fully burning inside of us.. the negative thoughts, the “one" time you watch a bad movie or listen to a bad song, the “one” time you’ll try drugs, or watching porn, the “one” time you lust over someone thats not your husband, the “one” time you get drunk, the “one” time you steal, the list goes on.. and it slowly starts to consume you.. You don’t even realize that the “one” time that you let that “one” thing into your life.. it has slowly become something or some what a part of you or a part of your lifestyle…. and yet we are so unaware and oblivious because we have been lied to by the devil so much that we convince our selves that its okay.. and we slowly start to fade from what the truth is, and at that point, the devil doesn’t even have to lie to us.. we begin to lie to ourselves..
and that is why, I rebuked the very thought that crossed my mind.. because as soon as I let the devil convince me that I am truly this burden.. then thats when I start to give up, and when I give up.. he has won..
Here is the thing.. Doctors can give up or lie to you, people can give up or lie to you, sadly, even family can give up or lie to you.. But God, he does not give up fighting for you and for your love for him.. God doesn’t give up fighting for you to have faith in him and he makes himself apparent in all of our surroundings, in life, nature, in beauty.. in love.. I may have been rejected by doctors and even people but I haven’t been rejected nor forgotten by Christ. He will never leave us nor forsake us, just as it is written in his word.. and he is always the same and never goes back on his promises.. so whether I have to get more treatment in Tulsa, at Mayo, Lifetree, I know that at the end of this road of trials … there IS HOPE, because God hasn’t given up on me, on any of us.. and he will continuously fight for us, just as he did on the cross.. But I think the true test is, will we give up on him? I encourage you, no matter what your tunnel looks like right now, or how bumpy your road is.. Dont give up, Dont let the Devil lie to you and destroy you and what God has for you.. have faith, and patience because whether he is answering your prayer or whether he is keeping silent to teach you to either wait cause its not time, or maybe he’s telling you to listen, and sometimes he showing us to fight… fight against all the lies and deceit and rely on him. God IS doing something in our lives and whatever road you’re taking right now.. he has you on it for a reason. But also ask yourself did you choose this road? or did he? Sometimes we blame God for what is happening in our lives or the situations we put OURSELVES in. Just trust that God knows best, that he is taking care of you, and then.. you will know what peace is in the middle of a storm is.
Life is like a Sunset, it has dark spots and shadows.. but when you look at the big picture, you realize that those spots and shadows made the Sunset that much more beautiful..and it all came together perfectly..
With love,
Krestina Alexandra