I continued at Lifetree Wellness for one month on my first round of treatment, and as I wrote on my last blog.. It was one of my most difficult paths on this journey. I was suffering in so many ways, and that continued the whole four weeks. I was with a group of people but yet I felt so alone, I would call my family almost every day and just cry, tell them how hard it was and how much I was struggling.. and If you know me very well, you know I am not a cryer.. but at this place and stage in my life, I couldn't help it.. It just poured out.
While I was there, Every moment of weakness, of suffering, of pain, I cried out to the Lord, asking and begging for strength and help. I may have not been able to do anything physically but I know I can always do something spiritually. In my moments of purely laying, or testing and all the pain, the tears that streamed down my face.. I would just be praying or crying out in the spirit. I knew I was at this clinic for a reason.. I know that all of these doors that open, all of these doctors and clinics.. there is a reason for me to be there, To either receive something, or to give back to someone in someway...
You ever have those moments where you think and you look around at your circumstances, and you think to yourself.. this couldn't have happened without God allowing it to.. but for what reason did he allow it? Why am I in this place right now? Well, this was one of those circumstances.. It was a battle, Why am I at this clinic if I only feel worse, If they can't help me, and If all I see is even worse results than before? What could I possibly be getting from this place?
As my thoughts consumed me, I knew I just had to give it up to the Father.. I got on my knees and I told him my every emotion, my fears, my pain, my struggles, my doubts, and everything that was on my heart.. I poured it out and while I was in this moment of spiritual pain.. I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to "stop! And listen" I started to hold back more tears and words, I wanted to keep venting, LORD, HELP!, and again, I heard the Holy Spirit speak again, "STOP! and listen." so with my knees on the ground, my face buried in my hands, my palms holding all my tears.. I stopped and tried to just listen.. and I heard the Lords voice tell me " This clinic will not be used for you, but I need to use you in this place for others, I need to speak to them through you." And at this, I began to cry even harder.. How could I be so selfish? How could I only think of myself when there were others suffering as well? How could I for this moment think that I was the only one begging for healing...? I felt embarrassed before God, and ashamed..
At that moment, I asked the Lord for forgiveness and I closed the door of any sort of self pity or selfishness, and I knew that this clinic was beyond me and my sickness, it was to be used for Gods glory. I started to pray completely differently, not Lord help my sickness, but Lord help me be used by you.. in any way that takes, even if that means being sick for a longer period of time. I wanted to be used by the Lord in every and any way possible and for a moment I forgot that, but God quickly reminded me of his calling for my life.. and from the beginning I knew that included using this illness for his almighty Glory. And again, he began to just comfort me and give me peace, joy, and strength.. In the knowing that one day I'll be healed.. But this is my journey right now.. And that made me even more over joyed, because I knew that he was using me as a vessel...
I started to see a difference around me, I began to look at the clinic, atmosphere, and people completely differently, and started to see every detail, and saw that the Lord hand crafted for me to be there. I began to become not just friends to the people there, but we started to become like family.. and I saw that what God was doing in me and through me was beautiful, and the physically aspect of this suffering, seemed worth every second. We began to pray together, testify together, read bible together and not just the patients but the staff as well.. but it wasn't your typical fellowship, you could feel Gods presence and his Holy Spirit was there, working in every individual, so openly and everyone became completely exposed to be able to be used by the Father.. God was doing so many things in the spiritual aspect of this time at Lifetree wellness, but you may ask.. what happened physically while you were there..? Well, I'd like to share one of my journal entries with you that was written at the time..
1/15/14
"While I've been here , I've been experiencing a new form of suffering that I didn't know exists, I feel like I'm in complete agony.. everything in my body aches and I feel so weak, everything I put in my mouth is absolutely disgusting and makes me throw up. I eat twice a day and basically i only eat an avocado, anything else I seem to put in my mouth.. just triggers seizures or vomiting.. and I feel like I can't handle anymore.. Every day I'm pushing myself to keep fighting, fighting for what I believe in, the healing that I believe is coming.. but If I'm completely honest with myself, I feel like I'm mostly fighting for my family.. for my parents, siblings, my friends... and sometimes I seem to have this silly thought that maybe even I will have a family one day, a husband.. but than every time I think that, I feel discouraged.. I go into my bathroom at this clinic and I look at myself, barely holding on at 80lbs. my hair is completely falling out and all I see is this sickness around me.. But I know that my physical doesn't matter.. maybe one day, someone will love me for what I have to offer, even if its not that much.. I haven't been able to spend as much time with God as I wish I could..before I got to spend hours with him at home.. right now, I can barely speak sometimes through the pain, but at least I still get an hour a day where I can just pray and read on the patio. They have this patio here.. Its nice, all you see is this forest, but its quiet.. and its nice to have a tiny bit of alone time throughout this chaos. They have been trying to boost my immune system while I've been here, but it seems to be making things worse.. they say that with an autoimmune disorder that your immune system is attacking itself.. well, mine defiantly has been attacking me. We ran another blood test and they only found 3 white blood cells, the doctor says that they are basically inactive and we have to work twice as hard on treatments..I'm just praying and begging God for them to multiply.. I don't know how much longer I can handle more hospitals, clinics, treatments.. I'm praying for mercy.. I have to just remember that this experience isn't just about me. As I was on my knees the other day, crying out to God, I felt the Holy Spirit tell me that God is using me, and the joy and strength he's given me to reach out to the others at this clinic. I keep reminding myself that.. the thing is, If I'm completely honest with myself.. I would want to give up, but I know that God is holding me, giving me joy and peace, and even if I were to never get healed... If my last journey is this clinic, and God wants to use me here.. It would all be worth it.. just to fulfill his purpose in my life at this moment."
Many times in our lives we get in these situations and circumstances that seem to feel like this never ending black whole and we can think of nothing else but about how we feel or about how we are doing and how can we get better, or when will the struggles end.. and all we think about is ourselves and our problems.. I heard this sang one time " The reason your problem is the biggest, is because its YOUR problem." And that may very well be true in one aspect.. but what about everyone else..?
We put our selves before others almost all the time, we put our circumstances before others all the time.. our friend could be suffering with something serious, and instead of truly being there for them as the support system that we should.. we only think about our own problems, whatever they may be..Im not saying to give up on your problems, no, give them up to the Lord.. but what I am saying, Is.. we need to try and love, pray, encourage, and start putting others before ourselves.. Just as I was letting the Devil give me these thoughts at the clinic of self pity.. God quickly helped me remember that the circumstance I was in, wasn't about me, It was about being there as a vessel for another.. there are SO many other people that need you and your love, other than yourself!
God has given me a strength and confidence throughout this trial in my life and a love for others that I know is only given to me from the Lord himself, cause I couldn't do it on my own.. through my trial.. I have realized that one of the most important things is putting others before yourself and loving others.. being there for them with encouragement and open arms. What if your circumstance and your trial is not to just prepare you for your future, but also to be a light through out your hard time for others? What if your biggest test isn't the trail itself, but how will you look at, help, and love others even when you don't have much to offer..
... I encourage you..Take time to pray for God to continue to help you love others and think about others before yourself, walk the walk of a true Believer, as he has called us to...
Luke 6:35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High,because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.
Mark 12:31 The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'There is no commandment greater than these."
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
1 John 4:7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
Currently my best friend Regina is going to start chemo and also have a bone marrow transplant, I was on my knees praying and in my pain for her, I was begging God for her healing but also thanking him that she has a way out and doctors are able to help her and in a few months, she will have a normal life again.. I know she will be healed and restored completely, I just hate to see her have to go through a difficult journey as well.. it hurts my heart. I would do anything to take away her pain.. even if that means adding it unto my own sickness.. I've had people ask me " Does it hurt you that others have a cure.. and you don't" It doesn't. Because maybe through medicine I don't have a cure... but through God, I do. And in all honestly, recently, I have come to a point where I don't even think about what I have to do anymore, I just do it.. I know God will heal me in his perfect timining.. .But if I could do anything.. I would take away Reginas pain..
Like I said earlier, I encourage you to love others, think of others before yourself, truly pray for others, and not just text back " I'm praying for you.." but actually do it! Encourage, support, and again, be the believer that God has called you to be.. and if I could ask for anything, If you are reading this..please close your laptop, iPad, or phone and pray for Regina for full healing and restoration as she goes through her painful journey as well...
With Love,
Krestina Alexandra
Krestina Alexandra