Being renewed

After I came home from Mayo clinic, (September 2013) there was this moment where it seemed time was standing still..  As if I was living in some sort of dream, that I couldn't wake up from. The doctors from Mayo told me to follow up with my doctors here at home, just to help me keep going, to prescribe me new medications of whatever I need to help my organs try and keep up. I kept telling myself, there has got to be a way.. There must be a way to get better, how can doctors not have anything, nothing to cure this condition.., but even though I had those thoughts, my spirit knew the answer.. My healing wasn't to come from doctors but from The Lord himself.  After a lot of recommendations, we decided to completely try going all natural, taking supplements, an even more clean strict diet, anything to at least help ease my pain, my inflammation, and my symptoms. The natural doctor, Dr. Harris continued to tell me that I'm a walking miracle but he believes that he can help me, he was so certain and believed so strongly in his program.. By his guidance he was referring me to other natural specialist and we had 5 of them working on me together.  During this time I was still continuing to do other treatments with other doctors, seeing many specialists at one time.My diet continued to be basically nothing but shakes and juices, mashed foods, almost everything blended. For a moment, it seemed I was getting better, that I seemed to be getting on my feet and I seemed to be recovering but then, I fell quicker than before, losing weight even more drastically and continued to get worse physically, my seizures, my bone pain, my vomiting, fainting, pain, everything started increasing... My hospital visits began to increase more and more and so did the fear and worry in my household. The holidays were coming up, and my doctors were telling me I was only getting worse, and I need to look into other options, other clinics for help..


I want to step out of sharing from the past for a moment and share about what has been going on, my trail, my battle that I just recently faced.. A couple weeks ago, It was 2 years from the first day I collapsed, from the moment this all began. A couple days before the date of 2 years, I was absolutely filled with the Holy Spirit, I was unable to sit still for days, all I wanted to do was just be on my knees, pray, I was just shaking from being so filled, I felt my spirit had so much to say.. I was simply crying out to God, begging for healing, for strength, for wisdom. I was even more desperate for more of him, I was wanting to hear from him so desperately, I was in need for some strength to continue on. As I was spending this time with him, as I was crying out for healing.. I heard The Lord speak to me so clearly, asking me " will you still praise me like this, even if I choose not to heal you..?" And in that moment, I paused, almost completely ashamed..and I just said " Lord, you are right, you can heal me, I know you can.. But if you choose not to, I will STILL praise you not just as I praise you today, but even more because I know that you have chosen me to continue ." I felt him testing me in that very moment, are we just completely desperate for him when we need something, some sort of prayer answered, or are we desperate for him daily, (the way we should be) because he is an almighty God, because whatever he chooses to do in our lives, is for his glory. It says in the word, that we are his, that we are his children, our lives belong to him, our lives our in his hands, and he will work it out for our good (Romans 8:28) The Lord deserves our glory and praise NOT because of what he gives us.. But because of WHO HE IS! After The Lord spoke to me, I was almost silent for about 3 days, not really speaking, not really feeling any emotions, just simply silent. (For those of you that now me personally, you know that I am never silent, and if so.. It's only during a movie or a sermon ;) )  but for 3 days, I simply felt as if things were a blur, I took a couple days to just mourn over who I was and just let go. My mourning wasn't out of anger, or even so much of being upset.. It was more of just that I felt the spirit was telling me, it was time to let go.. See, I have been constantly thinking and saying to people "I used to be.. I used to be.." But who I used to be is gone! And that's okay, it's even more than okay... It's wonderful!! Who I used to be was close to God, was a little naive, was weaker.. But who I have become is much closer to God, wiser, and stronger! That's only because of Gods grace! The Bible says ".. since you have put off the old man with his deeds, and have put on the new man who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of Him who created him" (‭Colossians‬ ‭3‬:‭9-10‬) through this life changing experience, God helped me lay down my old self, and put on my new self who is renewed, transformed by The Lord and that's exciting!!! The thing is, I took a couple days to mourn and let my old self go and become to realize the joy in who I am today, to embrace my current situation, my current condition.. And to fully come to knowledge with the fact that who God makes us, is greater then who we could ever be by ourselves. The situations that we go through in life that make us question God and ask him what is he possibly doing, cause we can't understand... Those are the very things we have to realize he is doing to make us become our better selves.. Because only through hardships, can we have a chance to overcome and grow.


"So now what" you may ask.. Well, now I embrace who I am today, no more looking back. Because who The Lord has made me today, is much better than who I ever could have become without this. I still believe that The Lord will heal me, I stick to the fact that God is almighty, he can do all things , but throughout this time..I take this up with joy in the knowing that God has been helping me mold into a greater person than I once was..  In your life today, he could be doing that very thing, because he doesn't want what you want for yourself.... But instead He wants more for you than you could ever even imagine.


Just remember, our circumstance don't define our God. But our God, can bring us out of any circumstance.