I remember glimpses of trying to yell for help and not having the strength to speak the words. Times where I would just lose consciousness from pain after vomiting or laying in my own vomit and not being able to lift myself up.Tryng to move my hair out of my face and end up with a hand full of hair from it falling out.Coughing and seeing blood on my hands. These moments were constant reminders that I was actually ill, no matter how hard I tried to fight it or ignore it... It was real.
I started to see specialists for almost every part of the body, my brain, stomach, heart, bones, etc. we began with a specialist on the brain for my seizures. We did multiple types of testing, after reviewing the tests, he told my mother and I that my seizures are a different form then most. He was explaining that the reason I have them wasn't because I had a seizure disorder but instead because something in my body is triggering it. He was explaining to us how its complicating and I need to be refereed to another specialist. He told me I cannot drive or even be by myself until we find out the cause and I get treated for it. I remember feeling extremely relieved that it wasn't a seizure disorder but at the same time, I was disappointed that I wasn't getting an answer... little did I know that I had many of those discouraging appointments ahead..
He then refereed me to a specialist for my heart, and they scheduled me to do a test that is called the "tilt table" test. I remember it like it was yesterday when I took that test, It was like torture in itself. I reacted to the medication poorly and felt my heart stopping slowly, I felt like I was suffocationg, the pain was surreal and I started scratching at my skin, I started pulling my clothes, trying to signal for help,before everything faded to black, I heard the nurse yelling for help and yelling for a doctor.Then all I remember after that, hours later, being wheel chaired over to the car with tears in my eyes.
When the test results came back they told me that I have neurocardiogenic-syncopy, where my heart and my brain don't connect properly, causing my heart to stop and triggering a seizure from my brain. But this was only the first diagnoses of many more to come...they say that neurocardiogenic-syncopy is also an incurable condition but that you can "manage" it, but we've tried almost everything they've recommended and it hasn't changed yet, but I believe it will.
They say these things happen from not being wired properly on the inside and that may be true. But God can heal any and every condition, disease, and every little detail in my body that doctors don't see.It seems discouraging that I kept getting diagnosed with conditions that doctors don't know where they come from or why they happen. But all that matters is that God knows, he knows it all, he sees a much bigger picture and something more beautiful than I can ever imagine. It says in the bible that we were "created in his image" the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, most beautiful creator.. made US, everyone of US in HIS image! My body that may seem "damaged" or "ill" in someones eyes is purely a masterpiece in Gods eyes. He structured me and molded me for my path and for what he has planned for me. We are people of all shapes and sizes, different eye, hair and skin colors. Different struggles, sickness, healthiness, and structures. and yet we all try and compare ourselves to the perfect "healthy body and look" of what the world and magazines say. but those are all lies. Because no matter how you look or how healthy you are... YOU are beautiful, truly a masterpiece, created by the God of the universe. And he, he knows you by name, he knows your every struggle, cry, laugh, whisper, thought. He tells you, you are beautiful, just the way you are. We shouldn't ever compare ourselves to what the world and others say, and the devil uses that so often to put us down. The way I look at it, is if you call yourself ugly or put yourself down... not only are you hurting yourself, but your hurting The Lord, because you were created in his image, God took parts of himself and placed it in us. Its beautiful and so are you, so is your future, your path, your story. You and who You are, and who you are going to become..... is truly Beautiful. .... accept it and embrace it.
so no matter how "damaged" or "wired improperly" or how many lies the devil throws in my direction... I'll remember and stand on what the word of God tells me, that I've been made "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalms 139:14) and I'm going to embrace and accept my current circumstances, not because I accept my sickness, no, instead because I accept the beautiful things God is doing through my sickness.
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